His Last Rejection
by DeadNotSIeeping
Summary: After being friends with Lily for a few months James decides to ask her out one more time. Rated M for self-harm and character death.


Jily Angsty Oneshot

Sirius threw a pillow at James, who was fidgeting constantly and kept running his hand through his hair. "Calm down Prongs. She'll definitely say yes this time." James managed an anxious half-smile at his best friend before getting up and starting to pace.

The two marauders were sat in the Gryffindor common room waiting for Lily and Remus to come back from the library, where they'd been working on a transfiguration essay for the past two hours for professor McGonagall.

After what seemed to Sirius like an eternity of watching James look nervous, he spotted a flash of bright red near the portrait hole. James' face lit up as it always did when he saw her and Sirius and Remus rolled their eyes but both felt themselves smiling at how James looked like the happiest man on Earth.

James speed walked over to Lily and pulled her into a big hug, burying his face in her hair. Remus fake pouted and whined "I see how it is Prongsy, no love for your best friend." Sirius then started bickering with Remus about who James liked more playfully. James and Lily laughed at their friends antics. Three of the friends made their way down to the Great Hall for dinner talking and laughing all the way. James walked a couple of steps behind them in silence, his nervousness increasing by the second. They sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Alice Prewett, Frank Longbottom and Peter Pettigrew. Only Sirius and Remus noticed how quiet James had become, they gave him their best reassuring smiles although they assumed they probably looked more like grimaces. James felt like there was a war with Voldemort going on in his stomach, forget butterflies. This was his last shot at getting Lily, he knew he wouldn't be able to deal with the torture that was rejection again.

In the year that they had been friends, James had felt his love for Lily slowly growing deeper and to be quite honest it terrified him. "Lils, can I... um... can I talk to you for a second?" he mumbled feeling his cheeks start to go red. "Sure" she smiled back, the confusion in her eyes obvious. James started to stammer "Well... um... you know... there's this... um... you know there's a trip to Hogsmeade coming up... well um... will you go with me?"

Lily froze for a second looking shocked. Then she looked angry. "James Potter! I thought that now we were friends you'd stop being ridiculous and asking me out. Get it through your thick obnoxious skull already. I would never date someone as cocky, annoying and downright horrible as you. I do not like you and I never will!" She had been getting louder as her rant went on and when she finished, with her face as red as her hair, she realised that everyone in the Great Hall had turned to look at her. Even Dumbledore. And everyone in the Great Hall watched as James Potter turned and ran wiping his eyes trying (unsuccessfully) to hide the tears. The Great Hall was absolutely silent. Sirius stood up, shaking with anger "What the fuck was that?" he asked in a tone so low and menacing, it made everyone in the room shiver a little with fear. Remus got up and pushed Sirius back so he wouldn't do anything that he would regret. Honestly Sirius probably wouldn't regret it but James would hate him for it. "You go find him, I'll get the dorm ready." Remus went to get the dorm prepared for James' arrival because what they had learned in the last 6 ½ years is that James can get a little destructive when he's upset. And he was definitely going to be upset now. Sirius ran out after James, knowing exactly where he would be while Remus stayed and looked at Lily for a couple of seconds, she could see the disappointment and accusation in his eyes. "Remus I-" she tried to explain but he cut her off. "I don't want to hear it." Then he too walked out of the Great Hall.

As soon as the door slammed shut the silent room suddenly exploded with noise, everybody discussing what had just happened. Lily notice that she had got out of her seat to yell at James better slowly sank back down into it. She bit her lip feeling guilty. She had thought it had been a joke. She didn't know that he'd actually cared. She sank even lower in her seat refusing to meet her friends' eyes in case she saw the anger in them, or even worse, the disappointment.

Sirius burst through the doors to the astronomy tower, his face red and sweaty, but for once in his life he didn't care about his appearance, he had more important things to worry about. James was sat right on the edge of the tower, his legs dangling, his eyes filled with pain and tears rolling down his face. Sirius had known where to find James, he always came here after Lily rejected him. He sat beside James and though James showed no signs of acknowledgement, Sirius was sure he knew he was there.

"Why?" James croaked, his voice breaking, he buried his head into Sirius' shoulder and started to sob. Sirius couldn't answer that question. He couldn't understand why Lily had to say that to someone who was so obviously in love with her. He felt a tear roll down his face, seeing James in pain hurt him as well. "Why am I still not good enough for her? I've tried everything Paddy. I stopped asking her out and hexing people for fun and I do all my homework and I've been the best head boy possible." James managed to make out between sobs. "Maybe I should just give up." The intense agony in his voice made it obvious that he wasn't just talking about Lily.

Sirius looked way down at the ground and back at James. "No" He croaked, then continued in a broken voice. "Don't leave me. Everybody leaves me. You promised you'd be different. You said it's not my fault. But how can it not be. What's wrong with me." James didn't answer and Sirius looked down at him and found that he had fallen asleep. Sirius wasn't that fortunate. He didn't get to sleep until the early morning light was just starting to appear.

At around 6 am the two stiff boys woke up to see an angry-looking Remus standing over them. He noticed the red swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks and sighed. He pulled them up and they walked in silence back to their dorm. James fighting to keep the tears from falling, if he wanted to even think about keeping his friendship with Lily he had to act like her rejection didn't affect him anywhere near as much as it actually had.

Sirius suggested going to find a certain redhead and Remus refused to let him go on his own, because who knew what he would end up doing to her. James flinched hearing her name and curled up in a ball on the floor. The other two left him alone in their room and embarked on their mission, finding someone who definitely wouldn't want to be found.

After they had left, James felt even more alone. All he could think about was her. Her and her piercing emerald eyes and damn red hair. Her blood-red hair. An idea started to form in James' head as he spotted his potions knife glinting dangerously in the early morning sunlight. He reached out and picked up the blade, loving the feeling of the cool smooth metal in his right hand. He pressed the tip to his left wrist and gently stroked it across the surface. The pain made him gasp but not in a bad way. He thought how beautiful the scarlet red drops looked against his pale forearm. He kept going. Slashing at his wrist, over and over. Anything was better than the excruciating pain in his heart. It made the cruciatus curse feel like a warm hug. He didn't bother keeping the lines straight, criss-crossing over each other like a tangled mess. He hadn't noticed the tears starting but he realised he was brokenly sobbing again, the tears mixing with the blood that reminded him so much of her. Her beautiful shiny hair that smelled like wild flowers, the eerie green eyes driving him on, turning him over to the madness inside his heart that she had created.

She had created this. This monster of self-loathing. And he hated her for it. But he hated himself even more than that because even though he hated her for doing this to him, he still loved her so much. And he would take all of this pain because it was for her.

He pulled up his black t-shirt, he'd thrown his robes off somewhere at some point, he couldn't remember when or where. Not that it mattered to him. He held the knife up to his chest and started carving away in an L shape. He was feeling woozy but he couldn't stop. He managed the i and the other l before a sudden bout of dizziness forced him to sit down on his bed. He made his shaking hand finish the final letter and smiled to himself, it was the smile of a madman, made insane by his internal demons. Now you could see that damage Lily had done to his heart on the outside of his body as well as on the inside.

James dipped his fingers in the blood on his chest and began to write on the wall with it, finishing just before he lost consciousness.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you."


End file.
